1. Forget about nuts.
Sure, college has all kinds of nutty kids, like those guys that kick a giant acorn across a field and bang their heads against each other like rams or bucks. But here squirrels can forget the same bland diets of their ancestors. Acorns? Walnuts? Try French fries. Pizza. Fortune cookies. Ramen noodles. Burritos. Half-eaten donuts and Poptarts and protein bars. There’s an international buffet available any day of the week!
2. Go for the gold.
When you hear a loud BANG! on campus, no need for alarm. It’s not a hunter come to make squirrel soup, but an adventurer bravely going where no rodent has gone before! He is the first to explore the dumpster outside the humanities building. Fearlessly, he dives in, the noise causing some humans to jump. Our squirrel hero emerges holding in his paws the stuff of legend: ¾ of a Twinkie, the Excalibur of all snacks!
3. Don’t drink and climb.
Adult squirrels of appropriate age, like all college residents, may engage in downing a beer or glass of wine with friends. But they should remember to drink responsibly. Climbing trees while drunk could result in accident, injury, and, in the presence of Frat boys, becoming the star of embarrassing videos on Youtube.
4. Legs are not trees.
Both the squirrel and the girl in the mini skirt know this.
5. Drivers do not brake for squirrels.
6. Hawks are not friends.
Multiple well-researched studies confirm the obesity rate of squirrels directly correlates with the rise of diabetes in hawks.
L.E. Ellis is writer of many mediums. Fiction, especially, holds a special place in her heart as it lets her travel to any place and time through the portal of imagination. L.E. is a content writer, journalist, blogger, and graduate student earning her MFA in Creative Writing. Learn more about L.E. at LaurenEEllis.com.
Photo by Arve Bettum